Category Archives: Totally Made Up Stuff

Church Camp 2011

Everybody is going to camp these days. SuperPizzaBoy is headed off to Camp Grey Squirrel. My blog friend Impulsive Addict just got back from a great Church Camp in Austin, Texas.

So what the hey, I’m going to Church Camp also. I’m going to Camp OIPA near Dallas. Sweetie isn’t going with me. She is taking SPB to his camp. She said that she was going to be really sad being all by herself for a few days. I can’t figure out why she was smiling when she said it. Do you have an idea?


Good old Sarah led the way. Do you know her? Sarah Garmin? She never gets lost. Amazing. She gets a little annoyed when she has to recalculate when I deviate from her instructions. Its a good thing she doesn’t have hands. She would whack a ruler across my knuckles if she could.


We stopped to have lunch in Norman, Oklahoma. (You know, the home of the University of Texas at Norman). After lunch we did a little skirt lifting. Skirt lifting is fun at Church Camp. Or any other time really. Sarah is really good at leading me to the best skirts. I wonder about her sometimes.


We found other types of geocaches besides skirt lifters. This one was memorable. Reaching in to grab it I scratched my ear lobe. It bled, it bled a lot. The blood ran down my neck and on to my shirt. I looked like a lost a knife fight. I didn’t know it. Made for some odd looks when I checked into Church Camp. I couldn’t figure it out until I looked into a mirror later. I didn’t take a picture of it. Believe me, I did you a favor. I’m still hurt that Sarah didn’t say a thing about it. The little passive aggressive hussy. If she wasn’t so good at helping me lift skirts I would leave her home.


This was inside the cache. A couple of my fellow campers call the Church Camp, “Cabo”. I thought they would like this.

Church Camp IMG_0636

Stopped at a rest stop to find another cache. If it weren’t for the plethora of geocaches at rest stops I’d say lets close them all down. I think the only people who stop at them are pervs, truckers, and geocachers. What do you think? (Oops, I can’t believe that I said “perv” in a Church Camp post.)

Church Camp IMG_0635

We passed the notorious Falls Creek Church Camp. This is the SuperMax of Church Camps. Only hard core Church Campers are allowed anywhere close to this facility. Maybe one of these days I’ll be deemed worthy. I doubt it, but you know, you have to have lofty goals.


Got to Camp, checked in, strange looks and all, and found my designated cot and unrolled my sleeping bag. It doesn’t look like much, but it’ll do.

Church Camp IMG_0639

Wow, this is a nice touch. One of our fellow campers provided everybody a free insulated bottle holder.

Church Camp IMG_0638

And a complimentary bottle of grape juice. You know, anti-oxidants and proper hydration are always important but even more so at Church Camp.


Lucky for me the snack bar was still open. Food at Church Camp is simple but wholesome.

Church Camp IMG_5494

And now its Sunday morning at Church Camp. Stay tuned for further updates.

Cain’s Ballroom and a new Star

About a week ago I went for a little run during my lunch hour. I meandered north of Downtown through the Brady District and passed by the Legendary Cain’s Ballroom, former home of Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys.

Cain's Ballroom 1

The Ballroom has stars in the sidewalk commemorating famous musicians with ties to Cain’s. Here are some of them.


Texas Playboys Star at Cains

Leon Russell Star at Cains


They have a new category for bloggers with ties to Cain’s. Here is the star for the first awardee.

Yogi at Cain's Ballroom


Hot Club of Cowtown at Cain’s

Cain’s Ballroom and Bob Wills

My World – Cain’s Ballroom

I know that I’m a little obsessed with it but Cain’s is special. It is a link from now back almost 80 years ago to a different time.

My World Tuesday

Tractor Wheels and High Heels by Ree Drummond (Improved Version)

If you are in blogland anywhere from Kansas to Kazakhstan you have heard of Ree Drummond and her blog Pioneer Woman. I can tell you that us here in Oklahoma are very proud of her and her success. I cheered like the Dallas Cowboys actually won a post season game when she kicked Bobby Flay’s butt in their throw down. (Really though, he never had a chance.) Her cookbook was a fabulous success, shoot I even cooked one of her recipes.

Now she has put a book out about the romance between her and the Marlboro Man and how it all got started. I thought I would review it, but I have to tell you, I am kind of busy right now and I didn’t actually read the book. But that is alright isn’t it. I mean if politicians can invoke the Bible and the Constitution without actually reading them, then why can’t I review a book without reading it? I mean I’ve read enough other reviews that I think I get the “sense” of the book. Besides, I’m just going to offer a few suggestions on to make the book more marketable to men.

Now some may object that this book is true and my suggestions are not the truth and in fact didn’t happen. Well, as we know the truth is different things to different people. I’m just going to offer some truths that may sell more books. Is that a terrible thing? Besides if the suggestions are plausible then they could have happened. What is the difference between could of and did happen? These are questions to think about when you are trying to sell the truth.

First, there are no good love scenes in the book. I mean of the physical kind. That’s all I’m going to say about this except that when guys pick up a romance they skim until they find the good parts. So think about adding some good parts.

Second, you know this is Oklahoma, you need to have a fistfight between Marlboro Man and J. Something that starts in a bar and spills out in the street and goes on a long time. Marlboro Man beats the crap out of J but J hold his own and so there is this mutual grudging respect. You know they don’t become friends exactly but they tip their hats to each other when they see each other. You may quibble that such a fight didn’t take place. Well perhaps it should have. Think about it.

Third, you need some sort of crisis where the Marlboro Man jumps in and saves the day. You know like the horse you were on takes off and is about to jump a cliff and Marlboro Man stops it, and you are so grateful, you know that sort of thing.

Fourth, add some sort of emergency that you and the Man overcome. It could be a grass fire or a grease fire. Something where you both save the day.

Fifth, add some sort of murder that you and he solve. It could be out on the ranch or in Pawhuska, anywhere. That would add a little suspense and mystery. It could be like a former ranch hand that did it or something. You could add a little Patricia Cornwell riff if you like, help solve the murder. Plus you could draw in some crusty local characters like the sheriff and some of the Osage indian leaders. Lots of good material there! I know there might be a little problem with there was no actual murder to solve but you have to think about possibilities. If there was a murder, then you most likely could solve it, right? Are you getting the idea?

Sixth, put in some environmental stuff. You know like the evil wind power companies are going to take over the praire with their towers and the only one stopping them is you. Environmental stuff is good. I mean not so much in Oklahoma, but elsewhere.

Seventh, guys like to see terrorists. Put a terrorist cell in Pawhuska and then have the Marlboro Man root them out. It would be great if he had to use the ranch tank to do it.I mean, you guys got everything else out there, I’m sure that you have a tank. I see the Marlboro Man in a little bit of a Lee Child type thing.

Eighth – You have to do something about the cover for the Improved Version. Think back to Sarah Palin in a bikini and a machine gun. You have to put yourself out there Ree. (I know the photo is a photoshop fake, but Sarah still looks good doesn’t she?)

Ninth – How about a new title. Something like “High Heels and Hand Grenades.” It’s competitive out there Ree. You have to grab people’s attention.

Anyway Ree, this is a few ideas off the top of my head. Feel free to use any of them. If you want to talk more have your people call my people.

Best Not to Mess With Me

On my recent trip to San Antonio I took a long walk through not the best area of town to go see my attorney, Ernest G. Valdez. I’m glad he is my lawyer and not yours. He is a good attorney but very mean. He is so mean…

San Antonio Law Office 1

We keep him in a cage.

You don’t want me to let him out.

A Convergence of Birthing Babies, Hydraulic Fracturing, and High Pressure Multistage Centrifugal Pumps

Noon Sunday I got on a plane to fly down to San Antonio for the annual Gas Processors Association Convention.


On the way down I glanced out the window as we flew west of Fort Worth. The clouds were all lined up like they had been plowed.


What the hay!! I exclaimed, here is a closeup:


What are all those white dots on the ground in amongst the subdivisions? Those are gas wells, lots of them, as far as the eye can see. It then it came to me. It is the Barnett Shale. One of the biggest natural gas fields in the United States. Companies are going in and drilling horizontal gas wells and with the magic of hydraulic fracturing they are producing massive quantities of natural gas. Now I know this is all very controversial and I’m not going there. I’m here to talk about how all that relates to birthing babies.

Anyways, I was perusing the vendor booths at the convention and I came across an interesting device. Look at this:


Isn’t that cool. It was being given away for FREE by a manufacturer of High Pressure Multistage Centrifugal Pumps. I couldn’t believe that they were given our national secrets away for free!! You see the key to hydraulic fracturing of natural gas formations is very high pressures. The technical term in Oklahoma is you have to pressure the bejeezus out of the rock. Anything short of bejeezus is a dry hole.

To do this you need what in Oklahoma is called a “Big Ass Pump.” Well guess what, they don’t have those things sitting on the shelves at the local Walmart waiting for you to come in and pick it out like a can of spam and a box of crackers. Noooo, you have to order it, you have to get in line, behind the big boys, behind the CHINESE for goodness sake.

So here is how it works, you walk up to the booth and tell the salesman that you want one of those there big ass pumps. He tells you that it takes about 26 weeks. So, like in the photo above, you put the zero line on the current date and you look at where 26 weeks puts you.


It puts you on October 3. So that gives you plenty of time for you to get your well drilled and ready to frac. If you order today! If you order tomorrow, it’ll be October 4. So you better commit.

Now, say your wife calls you, and says that she thinks she is expecting, in fact she knows she’s expecting. You just ask her how many weeks since her last period. You add 40 weeks to that date:


Wow, January 8th, so you now you have plenty of time to order your pump, drill your well, fracture it, and paint the nursery. Isn’t technology amazing!!! What did our parents do?

666BOI is Dead, Long Live 666BOI!!!

I got the official notification from the State of Oklahoma today.


The State of Oklahoma has officially executed my alter ego 666BOI.

(I stole this image from Irritated Tulsan. Sorry)

For high crimes and misdemeanors. 666BOI and I had a good run. He and Sweetie never got along for some reason. He was very close to his spiritual mother, Baloney, of That’s Baloney. She created 666BOI although ever since she has denied it, out of a sense of modesty I’m sure. She will be devastated by the news of his passing.

Sweetie is trying very hard to hide her grief. Actually she seems to be doing a happy dance. We all deal with our grief in our own way.


This is what the State sent as a replacement. I should be able to remember my new number don’t you think.

I’m going to miss old 666BOI. sniff.

Punxsutawney Phyllis

You have probably heard the news by now from Gobbler’s Knob, Pennsylvania.


With all due respect to phat Phil in Pennsylvania we have our own weather seer right here in Oklahoma. Her name is Punxsutawney Phyllis. Phyllis has her own report.


Here she was whispering to me that she sees her own shadow.


Then she wanted to get back in by the fire. Now.

There you have it folks. Here in Oklahoma we have a lot of winter ahead of us, according to Phyllis. Do you want to argue with her about it? I wouldn’t if I were you.

Geocaching Secret Mission

I went off on a secret mission the other day. Somebody planted a “members only” geocache just a little bit out of downtown. “Members Only” means that only those who pay the $30 per year to get premium access to can get the coordinates.

So I am not going to give you any hints. I took off from the office at lunch and entered the Secret Vortex.


The secret vortex keeps people from following me to the cache.


I checked the reading for the cache and off I went.


This is where I stopped and a took a picture. First, I took the picture because this is the location of one of my own geocaches. They are putting a fence up around the cache. Sigh. Second, a homeless guy was bugging me. He was going to Orlando he told me. I said “To see your sister?” He said “Yeah man, how did you know?” Sigh. “No dude I am not here handing out money I’m just going for a walk.” “OK, thanks anyway.” He says his name is Jerry. He said he remembers me and that he used to be a cowboy also. What?! (I was wearing a brimmed hat.) I told him that I hardly even know what a horse or cow look like. And what is it about these homeless guys and their sisters.

I finally escaped my buddy. Hey, how about a clue to where I was going. Here is one.


Hey, what’s that across a street. Is that where the Republican Party has buried all optimism and hope in Oklahoma?


Nope its a time capsule.


Do you remember a couple years ago when they dug up a 1950’s era Plymouth Belvedere here at the County Courthouse here in Tulsa. Well there was another car, a Plymouth Prowler, buried in 1998 to be dug up in 2048. Not too many people in Tulsa know about this time capsule.


I plan on being there. If Sweetie will let me out of the nursing home.

By this time I was getting pretty close to the cache. I was attacked by a chicken hawk protecting the cache.


I fought him off (mainly because I was too heavy for him to haul off) and kept on going. You have to be tough to be a premium geocacher. You also have to have $30 a year.

A little bit further on I took the all time blog meme photograph.


I mean this has water, trees, sky, a fountain, reflections. It’s my masterpiece. And it is here for you. Merry Christmas. You are welcome. Sorry mommybloggers, I have nothing for you. Grab your torches and go.


The cache kids saw me and started waving. Kids give everything away. You ever notice that.

The cache is close to Era. Not too close.


You kind of wonder what the story is, it couldn’t have been good.

Then finally


As I was walking by the post commander came out. He turned out to be a fellow geocacher. “BurplexOK” (I am “YogiABB”) We didn’t know each other before but we had mutual acquaintances. Don’t worry, the cache is not his, although he has found it.

Well, we parted and I headed back to work. You know I had a lot of social interaction for a secret mission.

My Nightmare starring the Tooth Fairy, Smokey Bear, Flat Baloney and her Bunnies

Just in time for Halloween, I have a hair raising tale. You are not going to believe. But its true. Every word of it.

It all started with my sweet son, SuperPizzaBoy. Isn’t he cute. Well he had a tooth come out and so we wrapped it all up and put it under his pillow. Just like people have been doing for thousands of years.


So we all went to bed. I couldn’t sleep so I got up to get a drink of water and maybe do a blog post, so I took my camera into the living room to download some photos to my laptop. Big mistake, I mean huge. This is where all my troubles started. Guess who or what I ran into?

Jonni - 2

Look familiar? It should because its the legendary Tooth Fairy! I am not supposed to see the Tooth Fairy and she is not supposed to be seen. She panicked. You can tell that she was trying to play possum and she tried to mesmerize me with her tractor beam eyes. It kind of worked, I guess.

Somehow, we figured out that to break the spell on both us I had to take her alter ego, Flat Baloney, on a trip. To find Smokey Bear and some bunnies, and then hide Flat Baloney with the bunnies. Don’t ask me, it made sense at the time.

She handed over her alter ego, Flat Baloney.

Yeah, I thought so also. Handing over a buck naked alter ego to a total stranger. Nice. So I had to whip up an outfit for Flat Baloney. She knew exactly what she wanted and she was so happy and appreciative of the result. First though before we went looking for Smokey Bear she and I went to Target. FB wanted to listen to Lady Gaga while we went on our adventure.


You should have heard her squawk! Scared me half to death. “Yogeeee!” Oh, sorry FB! Pardon me.


What do you think of the outfit. FB loved it. She is a big University of Texas fan. She said that the Tooth Fairy is also, but hides it. Well, I’ve outed her now. This blog is about the Truth! Its okay Tooth Fairy. Lots of people are Texas fans. Not too many went to the University of Oklahoma though. Or as FB called it “The University of Texas at Norman.” Ever notice that most of the Sooner players are from Texas? Sad.

So, off we went driving around the countryside looking for Smokey Bear. I mean I like Lady Gaga and all that but FB kept saying “Yogeeee, I want a lemon drop marteeeneeeee!” I kept saying FB, I don’t have lemon drop martinis. Didn’t stop her though!

And then all the sudden, on a back road in the country. “Yogeeee Stop!” FB screamed. “There’s  Smokeeee!”


Sure enough it was the fire fighting Bear himself.


We got out and stretched out legs a little bit while Smokey told us how to find the Bunnies. FB was so excited to be out and about in the woods. She said that the Tooth Fairy never took her to the woods.

So off we went to find the Bunnies. At the exact coordinates, she spotted where they might be. “Right there Yogeeee!,” “See it!”


We opened up to a chorus of “Flat Baloneeee!!!” by these talking Bunnies. FB jumped out of my shirt pocket and nestled up with the Bunnies, cooing, “I love Bunneeeees.”


I asked her “You sure Flat B? Its awful lonely out here with just Bunnies for company and tupperware for a house.” She said, “Oh yes Yogeeee, this is my dream come true.” I said OK Flat B. So I left here there and walked the three miles back to the highway.


So somehow, the Tooth Fairy and I have been freed from the curse. I’m not sure what the curse was or why leaving FB with some plastic bunnies did anything. But it worked.

If you are ever walking down a deep woods trail miles from anywhere in a State Park in eastern Oklahoma and hear “Bunneee, I want a lemon drop marteeneee.” Don’t be scared. Its just Flat Baloney living her dream. And just realize that you are one of the few that know that truth about the Tooth Fairy. Do me a favor though. Don’t say anything to her if Oklahoma is beating Texas. Deep down her heart is hurtin’ when her beloved Longhorns are losin.’.

Go check out the Tooth Fairy’s blog. Especially if you are fellow Texas Longhorn fan. She’d love to hear a “Hook’em Horns!” from you.

That's Baloney