If you are in blogland anywhere from Kansas to Kazakhstan you have heard of Ree Drummond and her blog Pioneer Woman. I can tell you that us here in Oklahoma are very proud of her and her success. I cheered like the Dallas Cowboys actually won a post season game when she kicked Bobby Flay’s butt in their throw down. (Really though, he never had a chance.) Her cookbook was a fabulous success, shoot I even cooked one of her recipes.

Now she has put a book out about the romance between her and the Marlboro Man and how it all got started. I thought I would review it, but I have to tell you, I am kind of busy right now and I didn’t actually read the book. But that is alright isn’t it. I mean if politicians can invoke the Bible and the Constitution without actually reading them, then why can’t I review a book without reading it? I mean I’ve read enough other reviews that I think I get the “sense” of the book. Besides, I’m just going to offer a few suggestions on to make the book more marketable to men.

Now some may object that this book is true and my suggestions are not the truth and in fact didn’t happen. Well, as we know the truth is different things to different people. I’m just going to offer some truths that may sell more books. Is that a terrible thing? Besides if the suggestions are plausible then they could have happened. What is the difference between could of and did happen? These are questions to think about when you are trying to sell the truth.

First, there are no good love scenes in the book. I mean of the physical kind. That’s all I’m going to say about this except that when guys pick up a romance they skim until they find the good parts. So think about adding some good parts.

Second, you know this is Oklahoma, you need to have a fistfight between Marlboro Man and J. Something that starts in a bar and spills out in the street and goes on a long time. Marlboro Man beats the crap out of J but J hold his own and so there is this mutual grudging respect. You know they don’t become friends exactly but they tip their hats to each other when they see each other. You may quibble that such a fight didn’t take place. Well perhaps it should have. Think about it.

Third, you need some sort of crisis where the Marlboro Man jumps in and saves the day. You know like the horse you were on takes off and is about to jump a cliff and Marlboro Man stops it, and you are so grateful, you know that sort of thing.

Fourth, add some sort of emergency that you and the Man overcome. It could be a grass fire or a grease fire. Something where you both save the day.

Fifth, add some sort of murder that you and he solve. It could be out on the ranch or in Pawhuska, anywhere. That would add a little suspense and mystery. It could be like a former ranch hand that did it or something. You could add a little Patricia Cornwell riff if you like, help solve the murder. Plus you could draw in some crusty local characters like the sheriff and some of the Osage indian leaders. Lots of good material there! I know there might be a little problem with there was no actual murder to solve but you have to think about possibilities. If there was a murder, then you most likely could solve it, right? Are you getting the idea?

Sixth, put in some environmental stuff. You know like the evil wind power companies are going to take over the praire with their towers and the only one stopping them is you. Environmental stuff is good. I mean not so much in Oklahoma, but elsewhere.

Seventh, guys like to see terrorists. Put a terrorist cell in Pawhuska and then have the Marlboro Man root them out. It would be great if he had to use the ranch tank to do it.I mean, you guys got everything else out there, I’m sure that you have a tank. I see the Marlboro Man in a little bit of a Lee Child type thing.

Eighth – You have to do something about the cover for the Improved Version. Think back to Sarah Palin in a bikini and a machine gun. You have to put yourself out there Ree. (I know the photo is a photoshop fake, but Sarah still looks good doesn’t she?)

Ninth – How about a new title. Something like “High Heels and Hand Grenades.” It’s competitive out there Ree. You have to grab people’s attention.

Anyway Ree, this is a few ideas off the top of my head. Feel free to use any of them. If you want to talk more have your people call my people.

On my recent trip to San Antonio I took a long walk through not the best area of town to go see my attorney, Ernest G. Valdez. I’m glad he is my lawyer and not yours. He is a good attorney but very mean. He is so mean…

We keep him in a cage.

You don’t want me to let him out.

Noon Sunday I got on a plane to fly down to San Antonio for the annual Gas Processors Association Convention.

On the way down I glanced out the window as we flew west of Fort Worth. The clouds were all lined up like they had been plowed.

What the hay!! I exclaimed, here is a closeup:

What are all those white dots on the ground in amongst the subdivisions? Those are gas wells, lots of them, as far as the eye can see. It then it came to me. It is the Barnett Shale. One of the biggest natural gas fields in the United States. Companies are going in and drilling horizontal gas wells and with the magic of hydraulic fracturing they are producing massive quantities of natural gas. Now I know this is all very controversial and I’m not going there. I’m here to talk about how all that relates to birthing babies.

Anyways, I was perusing the vendor booths at the convention and I came across an interesting device. Look at this:

Isn’t that cool. It was being given away for FREE by a manufacturer of High Pressure Multistage Centrifugal Pumps. I couldn’t believe that they were given our national secrets away for free!! You see the key to hydraulic fracturing of natural gas formations is very high pressures. The technical term in Oklahoma is you have to pressure the bejeezus out of the rock. Anything short of bejeezus is a dry hole.

To do this you need what in Oklahoma is called a “Big Ass Pump.” Well guess what, they don’t have those things sitting on the shelves at the local Walmart waiting for you to come in and pick it out like a can of spam and a box of crackers. Noooo, you have to order it, you have to get in line, behind the big boys, behind the CHINESE for goodness sake.

So here is how it works, you walk up to the booth and tell the salesman that you want one of those there big ass pumps. He tells you that it takes about 26 weeks. So, like in the photo above, you put the zero line on the current date and you look at where 26 weeks puts you.

It puts you on October 3. So that gives you plenty of time for you to get your well drilled and ready to frac. If you order today! If you order tomorrow, it’ll be October 4. So you better commit.

Now, say your wife calls you, and says that she thinks she is expecting, in fact she knows she’s expecting. You just ask her how many weeks since her last period. You add 40 weeks to that date:

Wow, January 8th, so you now you have plenty of time to order your pump, drill your well, fracture it, and paint the nursery. Isn’t technology amazing!!! What did our parents do?